By Cléolia Sabot
Cléolia Sabot is a researcher in sociology at the University of Lausanne. Her research focuses on children, particularly those who have grown up in a single-parent family.
Her story is based on testimonies collected in the context of a survey that examined the course of some twenty families. Cléolia's work integrates children directly into family studies, giving them a voice - in addition to the voice of the parents - and making it possible to articulate different discourses on family life.
How do children participate - directly or indirectly - in the organisation of their daily lives and custody, in the event of their parents' separation? The construction of Sam's testimony, the main character, is based on anonymised and condensed extracts from the children and young people Cléolia met.
This story is told in French.
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Hi,
I'm Sam. I'm 14 years old.
It's Saturday morning, I just woke up.
I live in a flat in the city centre, it's my mum's place.
Now I have to go across town.
Like every other weekend, I'm going to spend the weekend at my father's. I'm going to pack my things to go to my father's house. I usually take some clothes for the weekend, some board games I have at my mother's and my tablet. I must admit that I also take my comforter - even though I'm 14, I know - I still have my little habits and I like to have some reference points - at my dad's. Oh and my basketball, the basketball is very important! Because in fact, I hardly have any stuff at his place. But I do have some pyjamas and my toothbrush.
My mum helped me to find the bus route and the timetable so that I could get there on time - I have to be there at noon. I have to take the bus 25 first, and then change to number 3. It's not a very long journey, about 40 minutes, but it's still on the other side of town. After all, it's cool, it teaches me to be very autonomous. When I see my friends who never go without their parents, I think that's cool.
Come on, I'm closing my bag, I think I've got everything, let's go.
*****
Frankly, I don't want to go. I told my mother last night. I would have preferred to spend the weekend here, at her place. But as usual, she says that's the way it is - it's my father's "visiting rights".
Ah (laughs). Visiting rights, that makes me laugh. It's like he visits me but I am the one visiting him. I'm the one who has to change flats, who has to move. He doesn't even pick me up. It was discussed like that when they split up. But no one asked for my opinion! So I don't see why we can't change it, especially now that I'm getting older. That's why I try to negotiate with my mother. But every time, she tells me that I have to discuss it with my father. They bore me with the adults making decisions for the children and not asking their opinion when I'm the one who has to go.
Because when I'm at my father's, I get a bit bored. It's far away, I don't have my daily routine, and my friends are over at my mother's. And frankly, it's a bit difficult to meet new people in my father's neighbourhood. So when I'm at his place, I spend a lot of time in my room, on my phone, on the tablet and reading.
Like last summer I spent three weeks at his house - it was so long. My mum bought me a pile of books so I wouldn't get bored at his place. She knows it's not always easy. It's not that I don't do anything with him - you can't think I don't like seeing him. We do things together sometimes, we go for walks, we see his mates and sometimes his sister - so my aunt. And above all we play basketball together. Yeah, basketball is our thing. We spend afternoons together playing on the court above his building.
Except that sometimes his girlfriend complains if we go too long and she's all alone. I call her "monstera". She's not a monster, she didn't do anything wrong to me but I don't like her. Since my father has been with her, she is always at home when I come. And I don't want to see her - I don't always want to come to my father's house, I'd like to spend some time with him.
And frankly, I'm not very cool with her, I admit. But she's so annoying. She's super organised and she always wants to clean my room and the flat when I'm there. But when I'm at my dad's, well, I want to spend time with him, not have to watch out for the slightest movement. It's funny, because adults, well my parents, they think that children don't react, that they are passive and that they give in to all their decisions. I try to give my opinion, and when monstera gets me pissed, for example, I tell her. Okay, she's in love with my dad - but he's my dad first and I don't mind pointing it out.
I called my dad last night to organise the weekend. We don't call each other often but he calls every once in a while to check in. He told me we were going to a family dinner on Sunday. I laughed. A "family dinner". But what family? My family is my mother and my father - even if they are separated, Mika my cat, and especially my friends. Anna, Ben and Cloé. We play basketball together too. It's like my brothers and sisters. So frankly, his family dinner - it's good for him. Again, someone asked me who my family was?
Nope. I don't care if my aunts and uncles have the same blood as me. I don't share anything with them. On the other hand, my mates, the team of 4 as they say, they know me by heart. They're the ones I talk to the most, they're the ones who know everything about my life and they're the ones I go to for advice if things aren't going well. I really miss seeing them when I'm at my dad's.
I'd like to talk to him about it, but it's not easy because I talk about it most with my mates. I love him very much, he's still my father. And then I'm lucky, I can decide other things on a daily basis like my activities, what I do with my allowance, how I decorate my room at his place - and at my mother's place too, I can have a bit of my own space. Even though I don't really feel at home at my dad's, that's why I like to take things with me. But I have more autonomy at my mum's - I have my marks, my mates are close by, I get by in the neighbourhood. So obviously I feel more at home.
I feel a bit like I'm living between two houses, between my two parents, between two neighbourhoods, two lives and between two families.